


Who I Can't Have

by mardi89



Category: Hercai (TV 2019)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Denial of Feelings, F/M, First Love, Forbidden Love, Hurt/Comfort, Love at First Sight, Love/Hate, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24381643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mardi89/pseuds/mardi89
Summary: A princess & her bodyguard: A Hercai AU
Relationships: ReyMir
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter song: YaYaYa by RY X

-Him-

He first laid eyes on her two years before, and in that moment he knew his life would never be the same.

He’d survived basic training, four years of active duty, and almost six years as an operative, but something about the bounce of her hair or the directness of her gaze threatened to be his undoing.

It was the Spring before he turned twenty-eight. She had just turned eighteen and her father had decided to gift her with her own private security detail, to which he was assigned. He remembered she looked bored or irritated during the entire swearing in process. He supposed it was because instead of a car or vacation her father had given her a military man. It amused him nonetheless and he found himself distracted by her beauty and her sour mood.

He smirked quietly to himself when she rolled her eyes but his smile faded when she caught him looking at her. Chocolate brown orbs pierced him and he had the distinct feeling that she could read his every thought. He knew he should look away, pay attention to the speech the King was giving, but he was trapped and he couldn’t escape. She held him there until she saw what she needed to see, or perhaps she was just stronger than him. She looked down at her hands and then back at her father as if the axis of the earth hadn’t shifted.

_ Don’t even think about it. _

He was a soldier, his whole life was discipline. He couldn’t have feelings for her in any capacity. In fact it was best if he didn’t have any feelings toward anyone at all. 

As he stood at attention and saluted his King, her _ father _ , he swore to keep himself in check and not let her effect on him, well, effect him. 

It had been two years of strict professionalism. He, along with the palace security team, watched her around the clock and accompanied her everywhere she went. She also had an assistant, Melike, who went places and helped her with things that he couldn’t. She was more like a friend than an assistant really, which Princess Reyyan probably appreciated since she rarely spoke to or heard from any of the guards. 

He’d maybe spoken a handful of sentences to her over the years, but that feeling, that  _ pull _ , was always there. Most days he just suppressed everything, pushed it down so deep it melted into blackness, left only with a mild ache in his gut. But when it became too much he’d sometimes allow himself to remember, to think about her right before sleep came for him. 

Those nights he dreamt of her and in the mornings woke with her name on his lips. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Wait by M83

\- Her - 

She could feel him staring at her, she always did. He was supposed to watch her, it was part of his job, but not like this. The heat of his gaze hit her back and she felt it warm her. His presence was as reassuring as it was unsettling. Ever since that very first day she felt something from him. They barely spoke, she was afraid to, but she felt like she  _ knew  _ him. She was terrified of what it meant. 

_ He’s forbidden to you. _

The frequent self reminders did nothing to squelch her thoughts. 

For two years now he was in her orbit but always out of reach. The Moon to her Earth, his pull affecting the tides of her life. And although it was him who followed her every move, it felt like she was always searching for him. 

Today she sat in the library. It was the only place where she felt she could truly escape. She found her favorite secluded spot and began to disappear into a classic fairytale. The feeling of his eyes on her pulled her out immediately. She pretended to still be reading for a while, enjoying the sensation of being observed by him. She tricked herself into thinking the attention was separate from what he was obligated to do. It always led to disappointment, but it was pleasant while it lasted.

She promptly closed her book and stood up to leave. She made eye contact and then purposely brushed past him too closely. 

She wandered the palace aimlessly, a mixture of boredom and discontent making every movement laborious. She’d just turned twenty and spring was in full bloom in Midyat. It was normally her favorite time of year, the weather warm but not yet blistering hot, everything in bloom, and an air of newness that invigorated her. While those feelings had returned to her this year, they were tinged with the melancholy of another year wasted. If she was honest she was where she expected to be at this age, and at every age in the conceivable future, but she just wasn’t  _ fulfilled _ . As a small child, before she understood the full responsibility of what being royal meant, she dreamed of being a doctor. And while now she knew better, that desire to go out and learn, to help people, never left. 

She’d lost count of the amount of arguments she’d had with her father over the years. Begging to go to a normal school like other children, pitching a fit every time he left without her on a trip to handle foreign affairs, crying when he refused to send her to University in Istanbul. The people called her Princess, but really she was a prisoner. Held hostage by her father’s fear and left with no friends or other family members to share the burden. That wasn’t completely true now, she had Melike, but she was hired to help so even though they were friends, there was always an underlying tone of coercion. Her mother had passed away shortly after giving birth to her, so she carried the guilt of being born while also carrying the weight of being the King’s sole heir. It would have been a lot for anyone, but without the freedoms her title normally would have afforded her, it was nearly unbearable.

She closed her eyes as she strolled through the garden, listening to his solid strong footsteps several paces behind her. This way it was easier to dream that he was walking next to her rather than behind. Maybe she was still in the fairytale world she read about back in the library. Maybe one day he would don his armor and mount his white horse and come sweep her off her feet. 

Then she lost her balance and the first thing she saw when her eyes flew open was his lean form making quick strides toward her. And she could have sworn she saw his eyes turn more green and red rimmed with worry the closer he got to her, but then everything blurred and details didn’t matter when the darkness of sleep pulled her under. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos

-Him-

He swore his heart stopped. It seemed illogical now as it fluttered wildly in his chest, but the moment he saw her lose her footing on the cobblestone path of the garden he felt his blood freeze in his veins. He saw her head hit one of the flagstones before he could reach her and the sound of it made him feel sick. He’d seen so much violence in his lifetime, but this little accident of hers affected him in a different way than anything else had. The shock of the revelation and of seeing her prone form stunted his movement for a split second before he came to his senses. He quickly gathered her in his arms and effortlessly lifted her off the ground, carrying her swiftly to her bedroom. Right before he laid her down his training finally kicked in and he realized that he probably shouldn’t have moved her at all. The palace had a full security team, a doctor, and of course there was Melike, but he hadn’t called anyone.

_ Stupid! _

“Princess Reyyan? Princess can you hear me?” neither his frantic whispers nor the shaking of her shoulders roused her. 

_ Shit! _

He knew he had to call in reinforcements. As he dialed the doctor, dread pooled in his stomach. Part of him loathed the thought of someone coming to interrupt their seclusion, but that inappropriate thought was quickly pushed away. The more immediate threat was the potential of being fired over his carelessness. It was a strange thing to be thinking while he quickly told the doctor what happened and where they were now, but he had a legitimate reason to fear losing his job. He’d worked his whole life to get to this point and he berated himself for possibly messing it up by moving her after she sustained a head injury. 

These were not the thoughts of a cold unfeeling man, but rather the calculated speculation of a highly trained soldier who had already checked her vitals and concluded that she was most likely fine. Her breathing was normal and her eyes moved under her lids. By his estimation it would be a bad bruise at best and a concussion at worst. Still, his heart beat in a strange rhythm. 

Just then the doctor came in with his bag in hand and interrupted his train of thought. He watched the man work. He saw Melike enter the room. He knew the staff was going through the proper protocol for a situation like this, but he just stood there staring at her while they all moved around him at high speed.

Thoughts about the kind of person she was flashed in his mind like pictures on a slide show. He supposed it was a natural reaction when the fate of the unconscious person was unknown, but he wasn’t used to thinking about her so freely. 

He knew she wanted to be a doctor when she was little, and that she still wanted to use her position to help people in need. She was stubborn and sassy and bold, but she was also kind and polite and naive. He knew that she was the kind of person that would marry for love, not caring about her mate’s social or economic status. She had the purest heart of any person he’d ever encountered. But that pure kind heart made her weak to the influences of others. He knew that her father was planning her betrothal and that she would be married to a man of the King’s choosing. She wouldn’t go against her father. Unless….

“She's going to be just fine.” the doctor’s soothing voice brought him out of his daze.

The man packed up his bag and patted him on the back as he left.

“Don’t worry Miran bey. You’re not out of a job yet.” the doctor chuckled as he casually walked down the hall back to his quarters. 

He looked to Melike then, for...reassurance? He wasn’t sure how to feel in this situation, it felt like his usual poker face was slipping. She smiled at him.

“She has a pretty nice bump, but nothing serious. She just needs to ice it and take it easy the next few days.”

“Thanks.” his curt reply was more in response to the disappointment in himself than anything Melike did. 

She raised her eyebrows at him and at first he didn’t understand, but then it quickly dawned on him that she was questioning why he was still there. He cleared his throat and averted his gaze then turned to leave. 

“Miran bey?” he would recognize that angelic voice anywhere, her soft pleading tone beckoning him to obey.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Who I Can't Have by Paola Bennet

-Her-

His face was the last thing she saw before she fell asleep and his voice was the first thing she heard upon waking. It was everything she ever dreamed of. Except this was real, but it had happened under less than ideal circumstances. 

She opened her eyes to see his broad back moving away from her toward the door.

“Miran bey?”

She immediately scolded herself for allowing instinct to take hold and call out to him.

He hesitated a moment before slowly turning to face her.

“Yes your highness?”

He’d never looked at her so directly, so _earnestly_. His normally cat-like golden eyes rounded and brightened to a green. It distracted her, not helping her already flustered state. 

“I… Thank you.”

“Just doing my duty princess.” He stood at attention like the soldier he was.

Something passed between them then. It was an understanding, an acknowledgement that there was more to it, but that they wouldn’t speak on it. She didn’t know if she was good at reading people or if he just had exceptionally expressive eyes, but she always seemed to be able to read more from his glance than any of his words. 

He left abruptly then and she was left blushing in front of Melike who was giving her a suspicious look.

The truth was, she’d never confessed her love to anyone, not even her precious diary. Love, was that what it was? She wasn’t sure as she’d never been in love before. She’d read about it extensively, she’d heard every fairytale and legend, but no one had ever explained what it _felt_ like. She supposed it was a very hard thing to define, and that it was highly personal and therefore subjective. But there was something inside her that said she’d know it when she found it. And _he_ was it.

He was tall, handsome, well-built, but more importantly he was a man of discipline, of intelligence, of honor. He was a man of his word, and as frustrating as his strict professionalism was, it only proved to further endear him to her. She trusted him with her life, not because he was hired to protect it, but because of the kind of man she knew him to be. Certainly he had his faults; he was stubborn and taciturn and maybe a little bit vain, which all together gave him an air of superiority, which annoyed and amused her in turns. But his calm constancy was the balancing force to his strong personality traits, rendering him just about perfect in her eyes. 

_It’s those rose colored glasses talking._

She reminded herself of her bias daily, but it did nothing to tamp down the feelings that bubbled to the surface. She had enough emotional intelligence to understand herself and her feelings, but she lacked the life experience that could help navigate her. Still, she had life goals and an inner morality like any young woman. One such goal, born of her contradictory mature naivete, was to marry for love. She was not one to compromise her morals. And she adamantly refused to compromise them for Prince Azat. 

Melike seemed to drop the subject of suspicion and carry on with her duties, fretting around her room as was expected after an incident of injury. She was a true friend, but loyal to her father, and so couldn’t be trusted with the honesty that she so desperately wanted to afford her. Besides, Melike liked Azat. Thought he was _suitable_ . Even with all his riches, family connections, and generally tolerable demeanor, she could never find him suitable. He just wasn’t _him_.

 _He_ wasn’t royal though. He could never be hers. If her father’s strictness wasn’t enough for her to regret being born into royalty, then her desire for a love match certainly was. She wished so sincerely to be a normal girl that sometimes she dreamed about how she would have met him under different circumstances. One time it was love at first sight, him picking her out of a crowd and following her to return a butterfly pin that had fallen out of her hair. Another time it was a near collision, his big fancy car and her dearest horse Mavi. Every time she woke from these dreams she felt a happiness like she’d never experienced before, only to be washed away by the bitterness of reality moments later. 

She’d gotten used to the feeling of disappointment. Her father called it _duty_. She called it subjugation. She loved her father, truly, and she wanted to obey him but... 

“How are you feeling çiçeğim?”

She was so lost in thought that she hadn’t heard her father come in. He stroked her hair and held her face and she felt so loved that she immediately felt guilty for the thoughts she’d had moments ago. 

“I’m fine Baba.”

“The doctor says you got a pretty good bump and you need to rest. And I’ll await the official report, but I’m glad Miran bey was there to help you. You really need to be more careful! You know how precious you are.”

_Too precious. So precious that I might break._

She smiled and nodded as was her custom. But she was screaming on the inside.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Flying High by Jem

-Him-

He lay in bed thinking of her. Normally at this time he would have shut his lamp off and rolled over to save himself the anguish of thinking of her and simply let dreams take over. Today was different. He’d already given in to thoughts of her, in broad daylight and in front of others no less. He couldn’t stop thinking about the weight of her in his arms. How even though he was terrified for her safety, he couldn’t help but feel like she felt _right_ there in his embrace. Her delicate rose scent assaulted his nose when he leaned close to check her vitals, her long dark lashes resting on her plump cheeks. She was the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen. 

_Keşke…_

If only he’d met her under different circumstances. If only she weren’t royal, or he _was_. If only he didn’t have an obligation to complete…

His phone buzzed with a text then and his heart jumped thinking it might be from her, but reality quickly set in.

**Patron:**

**You have one week to come up with a plausible explanation. After that the contract is terminated.**

Anxiety tasted sharp on his tongue. He wasn’t used to disappointing authority figures. 

He entered the military after his mother died of cancer when he was 17. She had been the guiding light of his life up until her light went out. He’d felt lost, but the structure of the army helped him find a new focus. He needed to have a mission in life, a set of rules to live by. He’d never strayed from his path, never even considered it until _her_. For two years he’d felt torn between his head and his heart. 

It was true that he didn’t really know what love was. He’d loved his mother, never knew his father, but felt a love for him regardless. This wasn’t like that. He’d had stirrings of physical attraction before, however fleeting, but he’d never experienced a physical _and_ emotional connection. He still hadn’t really, since he refused to let himself go there with her. But he was a red blooded man with eyes and she was a gorgeous young woman with an equally gorgeous figure. 

His body was tired, his eyes burned, but it was impossible to fall asleep with a lack of blood flow to the brain. A series of sensations washed over him: the softness of her hair, the roundness of her bottom, the sparkle of her eyes, the warmth of her smile. Her happiness, so rarely seen, was like a drug to him. A small part of him deep down inside was screaming to spend the rest of his life making her happy. 

He pushed it down and pulled up the covers.

He screwed his eyes shut and thought of some of the worst things he’d experienced, but literal war stories didn’t make for good bedtime stories.

After a while he drifted, he was asleep, or nearly there. 

She returned again to his mind, but this time he was safe beneath the veil of sleep.

She was cautious and shy and modestly dressed. More realistic than some of his (more frequent) salacious dreams, she peered around the door after quietly opening it and looked a little shocked when she saw him. She then silently closed the door behind her and softly padded over to the bed. She looked apprehensive before delicately sitting on the edge of the bed near his hip. 

Her presence made his heart soar. He didn’t look forward to the inevitable dive when he awoke and found it was all a dream. But for now he would enjoy the sight of her. She was so real to him he could even smell her signature rose scent, tinged with the lingering smell of soap and toothpaste. She was clean, and cozy, and _warm_. All ready for bed. But she was here in his room, not hers. He was about to ask her why when she spoke.

“I just wanted to….I wanted to thank you, for what you did today.”

His mouth was so dry he couldn’t speak.

“I’m feeling much better now. We just have to watch for signs of concussion. Melike was supposed to wake me every hour and ask me questions, but she fell asleep.”

Her smile sparked one in him and the corner of his mouth lifted without his permission.

Her eyes glittered with happiness and maybe a bit of mischief. It made her look even more beautiful. 

“I wish you could stay…” he whispered dreamily.

Something changed in her then. She became more sombre. 

“Keşke…”

A feeling was building in him. Anticipation? Dread? It made his chest feel heavy and his breath come faster. 

“Stay with me.”

Fear etched her face. But there was a glimmer in her eyes that told volumes.

_Desire._

“I...I can’t-”

It was desperation that made him clasp a large hand around her graceful wrist. 

“Stay. Come with me. Run away with me.” he clung perilously to the end of his dream.

Her plump lips parted in shock. 

Something about her reaction and the tension of her arm pulling away slightly from his grip roused him into full consciousness. 

But instead of an empty room and a bittersweet feeling, he was met with her stunned face, eyes searching his, and a feeling of alarm looming over him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Song: Dreams by The Cranberries

-Her-

He was pulling her toward him, asking her to stay with him. In his room, on his  _ bed _ . 

Alarm bells were sounding so loudly in her head it made it hard to hear anything else. She knew she shouldn’t have come, knew that he wasn’t fully awake when she started speaking to him, and yet… She was just so drawn to him. Something in her gut, down past the initial feeling of danger, said that he was her future. 

The clash of head and heart was warring within her as he sat up and snatched his hand away quickly.

“I’m sorry, I-” his breath came fast and shallow.

Suddenly she was hit with a wave of clarity.

“Did you mean it?”

He was so silent and still she could swear she heard his heart thumping in his chest. Something came over him for a moment. It was fleeting, but it made his eyes change from honey brown to a green, his pupils dilated and dark making the irises appear to be deep forest green. 

The warning in her head was calling out to her heart again but then-

“Yes. I meant every word.”

A breath wooshed from her without permission. It gave her away.

She wanted him, more than she wanted her freedom or anonymity. Her heart was singing. And yet there was a pain in her chest.

“How?” she forced the small word out from between collapsing ribs.

“Just like I said. We’ll run away together.”

And with a few words he healed her.

******************************************************************************************************

It was so difficult for her to stay quiet and keep up appearances. She had to pack a small bag and hide it somewhere Melike and the cleaning staff couldn’t find it. She also had to adamantly reassure the doctor and her father that she was fully healed and didn’t have any negative effects from her little fall. She needed everyone off her back, but for them to not suspect that she was distancing herself. 

Instructions came to her at night in the form of a note slipped under her door. She snatched it up right away to read and then burn it, restraining herself from pushing the door open to find him and pull him in the room with her.

_ Did you pack a bathing suit? You’ll need it to swim in the sea. _

She sucked in a breath and clutched the paper to her breast. Tears welled in her eyes.

“The sea.” she whispered reverently.

He was making her dreams come true one by one. And in a few hours when the rest of the palace was asleep, he would whisk her away to have the adventure she’d always dreamed of.

She burned the letter in the lamp that rested above her desk then carefully took her bag out of it’s hiding place and packed her most flattering swimming suit. She dressed in a pair of long cotton pants and a simple shirt, something that would look like pajamas to any palace staff that might be awake but doubled as an airport outfit. 

She lay in her bed, tucked in and appearing to be asleep, with her bag and shoes slipped under the bed skirt. Her phone was charging, the alarm set. She’d have to leave it there when she left for the same reason they had communicated through paper notes, everything was linked to her father’s account and  _ anything _ could be traced. She lay still, her eyes closed, but inside her mind was racing.

This was a risk, a  _ dangerous  _ one. She’d be ruined, and his career would be destroyed. She couldn’t silence the little subversive voice inside her that hoped for such things. To be shunned from her kingdom and family would be devastating on the surface, but deep down she knew it was a price she was willing to pay to have  _ him _ . Besides, it would get her out of having to marry Prince Azat,  _ and  _ she’d finally get to travel like she’d always wanted.

He could take advantage of her, she knew it was a possibility. She knew she was young and naive and there was so much she didn’t know about the world and about men, but she wanted to learn with him. He would protect her, she trusted in that.

Her alarm was fairly quiet but it frightened her into a fully conscious state. It was the dead of night so she silenced it quickly and put on her sandals. She left her door slightly ajar and padded down to the kitchen as if to get a cold glass of water. She tiptoed across the patio and into the garden. She hadn’t been seen and hadn’t done anything outwardly out of the ordinary.

_ I think this might actually work! _

She was very suddenly but gently pushed up against a hedge, a large warm hand over her lips. 

“Are you ready?” he sounded as breathless as she was. 

She nodded and Miran removed his hand from her mouth and instead grabbed her left hand, leading her out the gardener’s entrance and into the dark streets of Midyat. He carried with him the bag she packed, the one he slyly took from her room while she was in the kitchen. His plan had worked flawlessly. And because he had access to her passport and proprietary information it was easy for him to book flights for them. She had been concerned about using her real name and identification, but he assured her that to airport staff it would look like business as usual. Besides, he had a plan to get new ID cards when they arrived at their destination. He told her they could only spend one day there before they would have to move on because her father would find her missing and start the search. 

She didn’t mind having to deal with issues and inconveniences. Every bump in the road was a new adventure. Running down dark alleys, jumping into strange vehicles, the airport in the dead of night: they were all intrigues to her. He didn’t let go of her hand, not once. She felt like she was floating even before they took off on the airplane, like nothing could touch her, nothing could harm her as long as he was there holding her hand. 

She hadn’t flown before and was rightfully scared, but he fastened her seat belt and held her, letting her grip his hand painfully hard and then offering a shoulder to sleep on when the cabin lights went out. Everything with him felt  _ right _ . They were breaking every rule in the book, and yet she’d never felt more comfortable, more  _ herself _ in all her life. 

They were going to Istanbul. She’d found out in the airport but had to contain her excitement so as to look inconspicuous. She woke up from her short but happy sleep to a red sun dawning over the ancient city. It stole the breath from her body.

Miran was disinterested in the view, typing away on his phone, probably making arrangements for them to get situated for the night and then equipped with new  _ everything _ for their new life together. She was happy he gave her the window seat. She watched the view for the whole descent, not even frightened by the landing because she was so excited.

He grabbed her bag and her hand, rushing to be the first off the plane. The airport was so big and so busy she didn’t know where to look. She was sure she looked odd, gawking at everything while a very rigid looking, yet handsome man pulled her through the throngs of people and past the busy shops. He hailed a cab and spoke quickly to the driver before ushering her in and closing her door like a gentleman. 

Again she stared out the window all the way to the hotel, the firm pressure of his hand over hers grounding her. He guided her to the front desk and checked them in under the name Aksoy, Mr. and Mrs. and left her bag with the receptionist. The way he so effortlessly introduced her as his wife sent a thrill up her spine, his casual sophistication and maturity arousing a strong desire in her. 

He got them simit for breakfast, nutella for her, plain for him.They saw the Hagia Sofia and Blue Mosque. They sat on the promenade and she breathed in sea air as he fetched them balik ekmek for lunch. She was unsure if she would like it as she hadn’t had much seafood, but to her it was like a delicacy. They walked down cobblestone streets and he let her pick out anything she liked, afterall he hadn’t packed a thing and she only had a small bag, they’d need a few things to help them blend in. 

She felt his eyes on her the whole time. She felt a little guilty for paying more attention to the sights than to the man she just ran away with, but she figured she only had one day with Istanbul, but the rest of her life with him. But he was always touching her. After years of looks and near brushes it felt rather strange to be holding his hand and have him touch the small of her back. Strange, but  _ so _ good. She’d longed to feel this  _ wanted _ and for it to come from him was beyond her wildest imagination. 

“I know a place for dinner. Do you want to head back to the hotel and freshen up?”

His words were a little stunted, nervous maybe, but she found it endearing and butterflies rose up in her tummy as she nodded in agreement. 

He took her hand then, holding tighter than he’d had yet, and led her through the bustling streets of Istanbul. 


End file.
